91. R.O.G. Recap 2022 (so far) and What’s Next
“Work in progress!” — Shannon Cassidy
Episode Info:
Thank you for joining me on this bi-weekly Building Bridges Generous Leader Coaching Tip.
This week’s focus is on Crucial Conversations based on this book.
Subtitle: Tools for Talking when the stakes are high.
We can also say, Tools for How to be a Generous Leader.
The book helps us to understand that when the stakes are highest, we tend to show up as our worst.
At work, this looks like:
- Talking to a coworker about an offensive comment
- Giving boss feedback about behavior
- Critiquing a team members work
- Giving an unfavorable performance review
Why do we show up so badly at these pivotal moments?
They are uncomfortable; we’d rather avoid them, so we wait too long and we feel stressed which causes us to Flight or Fight. Crucial conversations calls this silence or violence.
If you’re thinking: I don’t treat people with silence or violence…think again.
When we feel offended, slighted, unappreciated, righteous, superior or inferior, disconnected or feeling “not responsible to fix” we move to silent (being quiet, withdraw) or violence (pressing the issue, taking control):
- Silence sounds like: “Something bothering you?” “Nope.”
- Violence sounds like: “Something bothering you?” “Yes. You.”
The moment that predicts how well you will behave in a CC is what happens right before you open your mouth.
The big insight that can give us enormous power is this: how you feel is NOT a direct function of what you just saw and heard. The incident does not create the emotion. The intervening variable is your story. You, me and everyone tell ourselves a story about what just happened.
Challenge and change these stories to affect your emotions.
The way Crucial Conversations explains the flow:
- We See and hear something
- We Tell a story about it
- We Feel some kind of way about the story we just told
- We Act based on that feeling
Let’s say I tell you about a client. She was really concerned about a CC she needed to have with her boss. She said, “I need to give him that feedback before he presents this. I’m nervous because he gets very defensive.”
What story are you tempted to tell yourself?
What else did you add to the story?
What did you experience in your brain?
Did you imagine the conversation? Did you see an office? Did you picture these two in a discussion? How about the presentation? Did you infer anything about the content of the presentation? Did you imagine what – what she describes as defensiveness – looks like?
We make inferences.
We tell stories.
The three stories that take us to silence or violence are three kinds of stories:
- Victim story “it’s not my fault.”
- Villain story “it’s totally your fault.”
- Helpless story “there’s nothing I can do.”
I asked myself what story am I telling myself that’s making me feel this way?
What’s a different story?
Will can we hold others accountable in a better way?
By noticing the stories you are telling yourself, you gain the capacity to conduct generous conversations.
The stories you are telling yourself is affecting how you feel and how you act.
The key tip: Pause. Reframe. Then act.
Truly generous leaders make sure there’s a pause between stimulus and response. It’s a choice.
Choose your next move wisely. It will make all the difference.
Resources:
- Network Diversity Index Quiz
- YouTube Channel
- R.O.G. on Apple Podcasts
- R.O.G. on Spotify
Coming Next:
Join me next week with Jenn T. Grace. Until then, stay generous everyone!
Credits:
Sheep Jam Productions, Host Shannon Cassidy, Bridge Between, Inc.
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